Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
