He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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