Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
