My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
