she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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