i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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