I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
