awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
