Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
