i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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