I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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