ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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