How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize