I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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