why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
