If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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