I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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