I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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