I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
