Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
