YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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