forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
