I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
