I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
