I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i came on her dog
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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