a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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