wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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