your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
