While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
