Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
