I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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