You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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