stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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