you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
