just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize