Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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