Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
