and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
