Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
