Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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