dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
