How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
