Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
