So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
