u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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