I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize