the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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