I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
