I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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