I'm jealous of your bromance
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
