you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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