i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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