i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
