i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
