If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
