i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
