Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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