Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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