High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
