I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize