Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
