My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
