i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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