Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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