Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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