i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
